Keeping Your Conversations from Becoming Quarrels.
This is intended as a general guide for helping you find ways to break the cycle of unhelpful arguments that many couples find themselves experiencing when they are in a rut. You may find some of the ideas in this entry helpful, if you have the experience of conversations that lead to emotional escalations. For some, the actual topic being "discussed" in these escalated arguments may not even that memorable, except in the emotional sense. They can still become explosive and provide couples with unpleasant memories that can lead to resentment, distance, frustrations, contempt, or feelings of mistrust. We know well that the combination of blame and distance can be catastrophic if couples bear them for much time, so let us examine the common "quarrel", which is often the root of such things.
It might not need to be said, but conversations should never continue after escalation, but they often do. The mechanism is pretty simple, though: Anxieties turn to frustrations, which increase as helplessness or frustration creeps in. Couples report feeling "stuck" and "misunderstood", which are both very unpleasant feelings. It also become increasingly unclear how the issue or problem being faced will be resolved. We typically want to resolve problems, but if we get hung up in a loop of repeated unpleasantness and our spouse is not cooperating, it begins to feel personal. It is not actually personal in most cases, but if feels that way. A useful country metaphor here is considering what happens when we drive on a muddy road with deep ruts. Couples often slip into habitual ruts when they get close to the old feelings and simply slide or bounce into the old path. This is both triggering and amplifies feelings of being trapped and misunderstood. As couples proceed in old emotional habits and unloving or frustrated responses (the "ruts"), the tendency toward "fight" or "flight" sympathetic nervous system activation is increased. This is a no-win proposition that presents a common, but helplessness-inducing pattern when couples really are seeking to be understood and resolve everyday problems. Most couples want to be friends, but this gets complicated when they get stuck and cannot escape the ruts together. They are stuck, because they are trying to be heard instead of trying to hear and understand their partner.
While I offer a simple explanation here, I know that the feelings are never simple. These patterns can trigger strong emotional responses and even contribute to traumatic memories themselves. While emotional healing is often necessary, my experience is that helping couples communicate more effectively is an essential first step toward the work ahead.
My first recommendation is that couples stop this pattern when they find themselves in it, so they can restore healthy communication patterns. This may take time, but it is only through this that relationship life can be peaceful. After that, couples can access the real gifts afforded in a loving, reciprocal relationship. Loving relationships can be healing, even if they have been difficult. I am often asked about what to do if your spouse will not let the conversation go. I recommend talking about the process when both you and your partner are calm. Identify the mutual goal, which should be successful problem resolution. And consider these points during your little "mini-conference". These are also rules that can apply to every conversation and should. We should strive to be respectful, especially when our feelings tempt us otherwise:
Calm makes it better
monitor your own feelings and take responsibility for your actions at all stages of the process. Take time for you to each individually consider your feelings and do not engage AT ALL if you feel that you cannot hold back. Dramatics and expansive language are for the stage, not for a happy home. You are always responsible for your actions, no matter what.
2. Criticism, complaining and blaming make things worse.
3. Collaboration is key
4. Confession builds bridges
5. Create a safe place for your partner
6. Compassion wins
7. Create a plan for discussion
Boundaries are important
I recommend that each person in a couple work very hard at identifying their own tendencies toward unhelpful, provocative, or inflammatory behavior. There is no place in any conversation for criticism, defensiveness, blame, name-calling, hostility, or intentional ignoring or "stonewalling" behaviors. At the same time, if your partner struggles with these responses, it is best to model good behavior, ask them to honor boundaries related to these behaviors or tones, and discontinue if there isn't reasonable cooperation in this effort. Expert help is always available.
The "How To..." of Frustration
The following is an adaptation from John Gottman's "repair checklist" that is essentially a list of statements to help express feelings or needs in direct but loving ways. It is essential that couples work together on this, although the idea is that one of you may be more agitated than the other. If you work together toward the same goal of promoting peaceful, loving exchanges, you can make progress and establish a more harmonious way of understanding needs and wants.
Remember the old adage: "If it isn't helpful, polite, true, and necessary" (all of the above), it should not come out of your mouth. Moreover, if it is not loving, it does not need to be said. loving communication is complex, but it does not avoid the truth. It cares about feelings, but feelings are not king. If your partner has trouble with this, consider having a conversation about rules of engagement at a time when things are calm, in the spirit of improving your relationship.
Statements to share feelings: These statements are helpful when you need to express your feelings and are direct enough to give your partner a direct cue when feelings are becoming intense. Most often, expressing negative feelings is at least a risky proposition in conversations. It is best if these statements are employed as an alternative to defensive responses or if you begin to feel attacked, criticized or misunderstood. These are effective alternatives for arguing as if your partner is wrong, accusing your partner of a wrongdoing, or pointing out a fault. The bottom line is that if you are not ready to share responsibility and to maintain a loving side of the conversation, it is still better to wait to have the conversation. These tactics are to help slow the pace and decrease the intensity of negative emotion. Increase closeness and unity through these statements by helping your partner see your interest in understanding them, first.
"I’m getting scared." • "Please say that more gently." • "Did I do something wrong?" • "That hurt my feelings." • "That felt like an insult." • "I’m feeling sad." • "I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?" • "I’m feeling unappreciated." • "I feel defensive. Dan you rephrase that?" • "I feel like you are lecturing me." • "I don’t feel like you understand." • "Sounds like it’s all my fault." • "I feel criticized." •"Can you rephrase that?" • "I’m getting worried." • "Please don’t withdraw."
Apology statements: “Oh it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word.”(Bernie Taupin lyrics, performed by Elton John in his 1976 album Blue Moves). These lyrics also literally mentioned the absurdity and sadness of a situation where apologies are not made. While it can be difficult when we feel mistreated or misunderstood, it is essential that we learn to open doors for our relationship and apologize for our own mistakes and bad behavior through acceptance of responsibility for the relationship. Apologies are not intended to be general and universal, so they should relate to specific behaviors or contributions to problematic situations. They also do not need to be exchanged. If you apologize and your partner is struggling in this area, consider that you are taking the "high road" and also modelling the right way of showing respect for each other and honoring your own commitment to the relationship. Failures to apologize can result in patterns of hurt and do not allow for healing, where trust can be rebuilt. Trust is only properly built or rebuilt on the foundation of love, so when our responses are not consistent with the standard expressed in St. Paul's writings about love, we fail to provide our partners the right path toward healthy trust. No matter your faith background, consider the wisdom from the Apostle Paul:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, th